Many of the people who have made a lasting influence on the world have not fit a stereotypical definition of attractiveness. Consider Mother Teresa, a woman who devoted her life to serving others. [2] X Research source Or Stephen Hawking, who spent his life unraveling the puzzles of the universe. [3] X Research source
Try choosing a mantra, or a positive phrase that can normalize your experience and help you feel encouraged. Repeat it to yourself when you hear that inner critic rear up. For example, you could repeat “I accept myself just as I am” or “I am free to make my own choices about beauty. ”
Try to identify something positive about yourself every time you find yourself thinking something negative about your appearance. For example, if you walk by a mirror and think “Wow, my teeth are so crooked,” take the time to balance that with something positive: “My smile tells others when I’m happy. ” If you’re having a hard time finding anything attractive about yourself, try starting by focusing on the amazing things your body can do. Do you dance, run, laugh, breathe? Learn to appreciate your body for its usefulness, and you may find it easier to find things you like about it. [5] X Trustworthy Source National Eating Disorders Association Nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting individuals and communities affected by eating disorders Go to source
For example, one way that you may make yourself feel unattractive is by comparing yourself to actors and supermodels. Try to remember that in most cases, not even the models in ads and magazines look like that. Photoshop is often used to alter people’s appearance. [7] X Research source Try using statements of fact to combat “should” statements. For example, if you often feel like you “should” have straighter teeth, challenge this thought by saying “My teeth are the way they are. They work great. ”
For example, if you are bothered by your weight, then you might look at yourself in the mirror and think “I’m so fat and ugly, nobody will ever think I’m attractive. ” It’s unlikely that you would say that to a friend or family member. You probably don’t judge or even notice your loved ones’ weight. Give yourself the same compassion you give others.
For example, supermodel Cindy Crawford was told to remove a mole on her face because it was “ugly. ” Crawford turned it into her signature style instead and became one of the world’s most successful supermodels. [8] X Research source When the lingerie brand Aerie stopped photoshopping their models and showed them with “flaws” like skin folds and freckles, their sales actually increased. [9] X Research source
Self-kindness. Just as you would not be cruel to a friend, you should not be cruel to yourself. Accept that imperfection is subjective. Remind yourself that there is no universal standard for perfection. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Common humanity. It can be easy to feel like you are the only one experiencing your suffering. Recognize that no one is perfect. Mindfulness. Mindfulness stems from the Buddhist practice of acknowledging your experiences and emotions without judgement. As you learn mindfulness, you will be able to remain in the moment, focused on your present experience.
Next, imagine the perspective of a friend who is unconditionally accepting and loving. If you are religious or spiritual, this perspective could be from a figure in your traditions. If you’re not, just imagine that you know someone who accepts you just as you are. Do not allow this imaginary friend to judge anything. They are only caring, kind, and accepting. Write a letter to yourself from this perspective. Imagine what this accepting friend would say in response to your thoughts on your inadequacy. How would they show you compassion? How would they remind you of your good qualities? What would they really think of those things you see as “flaws” or “unattractive”? Read over the letter when you start to feel down about your appearance. Be mindful of when those negative thoughts show up. This will help you work towards self-love and self-acceptance, rather than feeling unhappy because you don’t meet an unrealistic image of perfection.
Think about what you find beautiful in your friends and loved ones. Humans tend to choose friends we believe are attractive in some way. [14] X Research source What do you find beautiful in people you love? Chances are, your definition of attractiveness for your friends is broader than the standard you hold yourself to.
For example, you might think about how much you care for your friends, or how artistic you are. These don’t have to be qualities that make you above-average or extraordinary. The pressure to be extraordinary to have self-esteem is actually damaging. [16] X Research source Are you a decent cook? Do you show up to work on time? Those are things to love too.
Try to identify why you judged yourself this way. Sometimes, you may criticize your appearance if you’re dissatisfied with something else about yourself. Stress and anxiety can also affect how you see yourself. [18] X Research source
Gratitude is more than the feeling of being thankful. It is an active process. Your brain is wired to hang onto negative experiences and let go of positive ones, so you have to work to counteract that. [20] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source Turn a positive fact into a positive experience. These facts don’t have to be anything big. It could be as simple as a stranger smiling at you on the street or noticing the flowers blooming in the park. Actively look around you for these positive moments. Be mindful and pay attention to them when they happen. Make positive experiences last longer. Try to focus on positive moments for at least a few seconds. The more you pay attention to positive moments, the more you will remember them – and the more you will notice. Take a “mental photograph” or say something validating to yourself like “This moment is beautiful. ”[21] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source Absorb positive moments. Try to imagine that these positive experiences are soaking into you. Relax your body and focus on what your senses are experiencing. Think about the thoughts this experience has prompted. [22] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
Don’t go overboard with spending, or you will likely end up feeling worse about yourself. Don’t feel like you have to buy a whole wardrobe, either. Choose one or two nice pieces that you feel confident wearing.
How you dress has a direct impact on how you feel about yourself. [27] X Research source Actors often say that getting into “costume” helps them get in touch with a character. Dress like the character you want to be, not the one your inner critic says you are. [28] X Research source Clothes can change the way you behave as well. If there’s a type of clothing you find attractive, wear it! You may find yourself feeling more attractive too. [29] X Research source Remind yourself that you are worth the effort. [30] X Research source Wear clothes you love. Let your clothes express your personality and sense of style. [31] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Choose clothes that fit properly. Clothes that fit well increase others’ perception of physical attractiveness, even when the person in the clothes was the same person. [32] X Research source
Try not to hit the gym with the idea of “fixing” yourself. This focuses on negative aspects rather than positive ones, and is likely to be self-defeating. You may even find your workout harder than it would otherwise be if you’re focused on how bad you feel. [35] X Research source Instead, focus on the care you are showing yourself by keeping your body – however it looks – healthy and happy.
The effect that unhealthy media has on you can be dramatic. Exposure to unrealistic body depictions can lead to noticeable drops in mood and increases in body dissatisfaction. [37] X Research source To see just how many of these beauty ideals are completely manufactured, do an internet search for “magazine Photoshop failures. " There’s hardly an image out there that hasn’t been altered in some way.
Get a hug! Hugging and physical contact with loved ones releases oxytocin. This powerful hormone helps you feel loved and connected to others. It also boosts your mood. [38] X Research source The physical warmth from a hug may also help you feel better. [39] X Research source
Rank your fears on a scale from worst to not-so-bad. For example, a hurtful comment to your face might rank as a 9 or 10. Being talked about might be a 7 or 8. What do you think will happen if you go to that social gathering? Write down your predictions and what you are afraid of. Test these fears. The only way you’ll be able to test whether your perceptions are accurate is to test them. Go to the party. Present yourself with the confidence and positivity you’ve learned. Try not to do “safety behaviors” such as avoiding eye contact or hiding in a corner. [41] X Research source Observe what happens. What evidence do you have for your perceptions? For example, if you’re worried that everyone at the party will think you’re “too fat” to be wearing a cocktail dress, consider what evidence you have for that assumption. How do you know that’s what they’re thinking? Have other people at the party in a similar situation experienced this? Try to keep from catastrophizing. Argue with that mean inner critic. [42] X Research source
Humans are social creatures, and our mood is often determined by who we spend time with. If you are surrounded by people who focus on appearance, or who make you feel bad about yourself, you will be more likely to feel insecure about your appearance. Fortunately, this also works the other way: if you’re around open and accepting people who don’t focus on appearances, you’ll probably feel better about yourself too. [44] X Research source Sometimes, negative comments about your appearance can come from the other person’s own insecurities. These comments have more to do with how the other person feels about themselves than they do with you. If you’re the victim of bullying, violence, or other abusive behavior, you don’t have to accept that. Report this behavior to an authority figure (school counselor, HR rep, etc. ).
Anorexia nervosa occurs when you severely restrict your food intake. If you do eat, you feel extremely guilty about it. You may even compensate with excessive exercise or purging. [46] X Research source Signs of anorexia include: Severe calorie restriction Feeling obsessed with the type and quantity of food you eat Maintaining rigid rules about what you eat Feeling “fat” even if you are not overweight Bulimia Nervosa occurs when individuals binge-eat large quantities of food and then perform purging behaviors such as vomiting, use of laxatives, or excessive exercise. [47] X Research source As with other eating disorders, bulimia is linked with an obsession over one’s body shape, weight, or size. Signs of bulimia include: Feeling guilty about eating Feeling as though you cannot control what or how much you eat Feeling compelled to eat large quantities of food Binge-eating disorder is a relatively new diagnosis, but it is also a recognized medical disorder. The difference between it and the other major eating disorders is that binge-eating does not include “compensatory” behaviors such as purging or excessive exercising. Symptoms include:[48] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source Feeling as though you cannot control what or how much you eat Feelings of guilt or disgust while or after eating Eating when you are not hungry or even when you’re full
There are many types of mental health professionals. Psychiatrists and Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners are usually the only ones who prescribe medications, and they may also offer therapy. Psychologists, Licensed Clinical Social Workers, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, and Licensed Professional Counselors may also offer therapy. Some people believe in the myth that seeking help is a sign of weakness. You may think that you “should” be able to handle your feelings all on your own. Remember how “should” statements are damaging. Seeking help is a courageous and caring thing to do for yourself!
