Don’t hedge or hesitate: “I was thinking that maybe I’d like for us to buy a boat. ” Instead, be direct: “Honey, I want us to buy a boat. ” “I want a raise and I want it now!” is too confrontational, while “Do you think it might be possible for me to get a small raise sometime, if you think I deserve it?” is too weak.
For example: “Mr. Green, I’d like to take over the vacant corner office. ” Use an “I” statement to make it clear that this is what you want. It’s easier for them to say “no” if you phrase it like this: “Would you consider giving me the vacant corner office?”
However, you should skip these techniques when asking friends or family, and use them carefully in professional contexts. People tend to expect (and therefore tolerate) salespeople using these techniques, but they may be resentful if a friend or significant other resorts to them. If you want a raise at work, it makes sense to start with a higher (but not unreasonably higher) figure than what you really expect to be able to get. If you want a promotion, don’t ask to become regional manager when you really want to be assistant sales manager.
For example, even if you think the beach house also makes a good investment and will be good for your mental health, you might choose the following as your best justification: “I want us to buy a beach house because it’ll be a place to bring our families together for years to come. ” Choose the justification that you feel is the strongest, unless you feel a different one will definitely be more effective on the other person. If you only offer one justification this time, it makes it easier to “repackage” your request at another time, using a different justification, if you get a “no. ”
For example, don’t say “I want a raise or I’ll quit” or “I want to schedule our wedding now or I’m breaking things off with you” unless you mean it. If you repeatedly make ultimatums that you don’t actually intend to keep, other people will see you as manipulative and untrustworthy.
For instance: “So, are you saying you’re willing to give me a 5 percent raise, but not 8 percent?” You can use this as a jumping off point for further negotiations.
Try something simple: “That’s great! Thanks so much. I really appreciate it. ” Or, go in a bit more detail: “Thank you, Mr. Jennings. I truly appreciate you taking the time to hear me out and agreeing to let me switch my Wednesday and Friday schedules. ”
Instead of letting “no” put you into a funk, start preparing for your next opportunity to ask for what you want—and maintain the same confidence that you’ll succeed! Thank the person anyway: “Thanks for considering my request, Mr. Jennings. I appreciate you giving me the time to make my case. ”
When you’re ready to ask again, start the process over. Make sure you’re still clear on exactly what you want. Come up with your reasons why, and identify your best reason. Phrase your request a bit differently, but make sure you’re still being “respectfully assertive. ”
For example, you might know that you’re overworked and overstressed, but what solution do you really want? Do you want a different schedule? A slight change in work responsibilities? An entirely different job? If you’re not sure exactly what you want, talk to a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist for guidance. But remember that it’s ultimately up to you to determine what you want.
For example: “I have worked without a raise for 2 years;" “I have improved the efficiency of our entire department;” “I make less than co-workers with similar responsibilities;” “I’m now taking care of my ailing mother as well as my two kids. ” If you’re still not sure your request is clear or reasonable, show it to someone you trust and get their feedback.
You’re never guaranteed to get what you want, but you deserve to ask for what you want. Build up your confidence with simple affirmations like “I’m worth it. ”
For instance, if you know your boss tends to be in a better mood in the morning, don’t plan to ask for a raise at the end of the day. Or, if you know your mother-in-law responds well to flattery, make sure to ramp up that element when deciding what you’ll say. However, you need to ask for what you want, not for what you think they want you to want.
A friend might notice, for example, that you’re putting your head down when you make the actual request. You’ll appear more confident and convincing if you keep your head up and maintain eye contact with the other person.
It’s easy to keep telling yourself “Today’s not a good day” or “I’ll ask next week when things will be less hectic. ” Remind yourself that you know what you want, you deserve it, and it’s time to ask for it.
