Go for something simple, but not impersonal: “Please accept my condolences on your loss. I only met Albert once and briefly, but I know how much he meant to Chad (my co-worker and friend) and the rest of your family. Please know that you will be in my thoughts [and/or prayers]. Sincerely, Jan White. ”
It’s also a nice gesture to ask the bereaved if you can bring food to the wake (or in the days before or after), to give them one less thing to worry about. Or, offer the gift of your time by offering to help with setup, cleanup, or other useful tasks.
Simple small talk is fine: “Hi, I’m Jan, and I work with Albert’s grandson, Chad. I didn’t know Albert well, but I know from Chad what a caring and fun-loving person he was. ”
Even if you never met the person before, show respect for the life they lived and the loss felt by those who loved them. As you approach the casket, there will often be a place where you can leave sympathy cards or other gifts for the bereaved. If you have them, that’s where they should go.
Take your cues mainly from the people you know, especially if they were close to the deceased. If they are smiling and laughing, you can as well (but respectfully). If they’re crying, be a source of consolation and comfort.
Stay away from comments along the lines of “it’s for the best,” “they’re in a better place,” “I know how you’re feeling,” “At least they’re no longer in pain,” “only the good die young. " or “it will get easier over time. ” Don’t tell them how to feel; instead, praise the deceased (if you knew them at all) or just offer your support. Instead, say something simple and supportive, like “I feel fortunate to have known Mark. I am sorry for your loss. "
Especially when you don’t know the deceased well enough to add many memories or reflections yourself, your job is to be a sympathetic ear and perhaps a shoulder to cry on.
There may be photos or a slideshow with pictures of the deceased during happier times. If so, you can look at these with others and say: “Hey, I remember that!” or “Bob always had such a great sense of humor,” or “Wow, I’ll really miss those Monday night football games over at Larry’s place. " Wakes are for reminiscing and remembering the good times. You may be asked how you knew the deceased by other attendees. Keep your answer simple, like “We volunteered at the same organization. He was a great team leader. "
As with weddings, you don’t want seem like you’re upstaging the “star” of the proceedings with a bright or outrageous outfit. Avoid neon colors or bright reds, yellows, and oranges. Likewise avoid clothing with cheery prints like flowers or bold patterns. Likewise, it would be rude to go causal and wear jeans.
If you are going there to support a bereaved friend or colleague, think about — or just ask — when they might need you there the most. You might even offer to help set up beforehand or close up at the end.
The goal is to be inconspicuous. You want the bereaved to notice your presence on their time, instead of announcing your own arrival through your words, actions, or attitude.
Say something like “It was an honor to attend, and please once again accept my condolences for your loss. Please give me a call if I can be of any help. Good evening. ” If it feels right to do so, you can also go up to the casket for a final goodbye.
Wakes, however, can vary by tradition — some are smaller affairs, while some resemble large parties. If you’re not sure, ask someone you know.
If you’re not sure, talk to a family member of the deceased with whom you’ve maintained a good relationship.
