Count your breath in your mind to help you focus on it. For example, you could think, “Breathe in and out. One. . . two. . . three. . . four. . . five. . . " Don’t be afraid to pause and breathe before talking to someone. For example, if someone is yelling at you, close your eyes and focus on your breath. This will help you relax and handle the situation.
For example, if you are being interrogated at a work conference, you can say, “You bring up a good point. Let’s take a five-minute break so I can think about it. " If you’re in an argument with family members, excuse yourself to the bathroom. You can say, “Let’s not argue about this. I’m going to the restroom, and when I come back, we can discuss this more if you want. "
If you’re dealing with a stranger in a public place, think quietly to yourself. You can think, “Don’t worry. Just breathe deeply. They’re upset too. " If you are worried about confronting a boss or a teacher, you can say to yourself beforehand, “Just relax. It’s just a meeting. You’ll be fine. " You can also reassure yourself as you sit with the uncomfortable feelings you are having, such as by saying to yourself, “This is uncomfortable now, but in an hour it will all be over. " Or, “I don’t like feeling this way, but I know this will all blow over by the morning. "
“If we have this discussion, what might be the outcome? Is there any downside to having this discussion?” “Will I risk ruining my relationship with this other person if we have this discussion?” “Does it seem as though this discussion could escalate?” “How can I ensure that the discussion remains civil? How can I reinforce boundaries such as not yelling or raising my voice, avoiding name calling, and not going around in circles?”
For example, if you are arguing with a stranger over a fender bender, ask them calmly what their version of events was. Explain afterwards what you thought happened. If you are having an argument at work, see if there was a miscommunication that caused the tension. For example, make sure that a vital email was actually sent and received. Ask your boss or another coworker to mediate the situation. With family members, ask them what you can do to make them feel better. For example, if you are arguing over a broken sink, ask, “Well, what can we do now to fix the problem? Do you want me to call someone or fix it myself?”
For example, if you think that you might get into a fight with a stranger in a bar, step back. Put some space between you and the other person. By relaxing your body, you are signalling that you are not threatening them. Crossing your arms across your body, clenching your fists, or puffing your chest out can make you seem more aggressive.
You can say, “I understand how you feel right now. I would be frustrated too if I thought someone had taken my seat. But I think that both of us need to consider the facts of the situation. ” You can also use sympathy to change the subject. You can say, “I know you’re stressed out right about work right now. Why don’t we watch something on TV for a little while until you feel better. "
You can say to the other party, “So what we can do to fix this problem?” You can also say, “Is there any way we can move past this disagreement?” If you have offended someone or hurt them in some way, you can say, “How can I make this up to you?”
You can say, “I do not think that talking is getting us anywhere. I do not want to argue about this, so I am going to leave. ” If you think the other person is potentially violent, you may not want to turn your back on them. Instead, try taking a few steps backwards first. Say something such as, “I don’t want to fight or cause a scene. I’m sorry this happened, but I feel as though I should leave. ” If they back off, you may leave. If they try to start a fight or threaten you, call the police.
Avoid telling the other person to “calm down. ” This can make them feel angrier and more defensive. Instead, ask them what can be done to help the situation. For example, you can say, “I understand that you’re upset about your broken window. Why don’t we discuss what can be done in a way that is fair to everyone. ” Always use “I” statements when you talk to the other person. [8] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.
You can say, “I’m really sorry for insulting you. I did not realize that what I said was hurtful, and I understand now that it was a really stupid thing to do. I hope that you can forgive me. ” If someone is accusing you of something you did not do, don’t take the blame. You can deflect the accusation by sympathizing with the other person. For example, you can say, “I’m sorry that your lunch keeps disappearing from the office fridge, but I’m not the one who is taking it. ”
For example, you can say, “I understand that you’re upset. You’re right. I spilled a drink on you, and now you’re worried that your dress is ruined. ” If the other person seems defensive, you can ask questions that will elicit the answer “yes” from them. This may help them feel less defensive. For example, you can say, “You are saying that you think this situation is unfair, is that right?”
You can say, “I understand your point of view, but I don’t agree with it. I think we will just have to move on. I still respect you as a person, and I hope that this does not get in the way of our relationship. ”
