Keep in mind that listening doesn’t mean agreeing. You can hear your friends out without endorsing their opinions or badmouthing the other friend. Establish boundaries. It’s important to listen to both parties, but it’s also important to make sure you’re not crossing a line. You may want to limit the amount of time you want to talk about the divorce, or you could ask them not to talk negatively about one another to you.
Offer validation and support as needed, but do not join in on shaming or alienating statements made about the other spouse.
Offer to make a nutritious dinner with them once a week. Or accompany them to the gym for a workout class. Discourage your friends from using alcohol, drugs, or other unhealthy habits to cope with the divorce.
You can also send them online jokes, memes, or YouTube videos that spark laughter.
You might say, “Why don’t I babysit so you can have some alone time and go to that yoga class you like?”
You might say something like, “Charlotte, I want to keep being friends with both you and Greg. I’m sorry, but I won’t be taking sides. ” You may also opt to take a break or spend less time with both parties until they figure out the details of their separation. Even then, it’s possible that no matter how well-intentioned you are, one party could perceive you not taking any sides at taking the other’s side.
The rules you set will depend on your unique circumstances. Some suggestions, however, are including sections about not speaking poorly about one another, not expecting friends to spy, and not pulling rank (i. e. saying “They were my friends first!”). If it’s illogical to expect both spouses to be present, create an online document that you can email to both.
Have separate meetings with each friend and talk about how your friendship will be moving forward. Try keeping your friendships event-focused for a while. Center your hangouts around activities or events. That way they will be more focused on what you’re doing in the moment instead of on their divorce. For example, you might see one of the spouses regularly at the country club and play tennis together. You might be involved in the same community organization with the other. Use these “typical” routines as a guideline for how you might continue the friendship in the future.
If both spouses are able to act civilly, you might invite them both and seat them far apart. If both spouses cannot act civilly, you might suggest that the person most connected to the event attends. For example, the spouse who helped you with a fundraiser might be invited to the charity ball. Remember that you are not their referee. Even if you want both parties to attend, the decision is up to them. Let them know that the other person will be there, and let them decide if they can handle that on their own.
Simply restate your commitment to maintaining both friendships and work hard to preserve the relationships. Even then, know that one side may no longer want to be friends because of your relationship with their ex. Respect their decision if that’s the case.
What’s more, you have probably devoted a lot of time and energy to be there for your friends. You also need someone to be there for you.
Of course, you don’t want to abandon your friendships. But, you also need to recognize when the tension is just too much for you. It may be time for you to get some distance until things cool off. You might get distance by asking another friend to fill in for you at an event or for your babysitting duties. You might also enforce your boundaries about the rules. You might tell them, “If you two won’t stop pulling me into the middle of things, I’ll have to get some distance. I want to be here for you, but all of this is stressing me out, too. "
In the initial session, you might explain, “Two of my good friends are divorcing and I feel caught in the middle. How can I be a good friend to both of them without losing my mind?”
