Lies to make ourselves look better might include exaggerations, embellishments, and flat-out tall-tales we tell to others, and ourselves, to make ourselves feel better about our inadequacies. When you’re unhappy about something, it’s much easier to fill it in with lies than tell the truth. [2] X Research source We lie to peers we think are better than us, because we want them to respect us as we respect them. Unfortunately, being dishonest is disrespectful in the long run. Give people more credit for their ability to empathize and understand you on a deeper level. Lies that avoid embarrassment might include lies told to cover up bad behaviors, transgressions, or any activity we’re not proud of. If your mom found a pack of cigarettes in your jacket, you might lie and say that they’re your friend’s to avoid punishment. We lie to authoritative figures to avoid embarrassment and punishment, including ourselves. When we’ve done something we feel guilty about, lies are told to eliminate the guilt, avoid the punishments, and get back to the objectionable behavior we’re forced to lie about. It’s a vicious cycle.
If you smoke cigarettes, you won’t have to lie if everyone knows it’s true. Own up to it. If a behavior is un-own-upable, it’s probably best to avoid it. It would be humiliating for your partner to find out that you had an inappropriate relationship with a coworker, but you won’t have to lie if you don’t do it.
Forget what you think other people want to hear from you. Give other people the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they’re not running “game” on you, or being manipulative. Speak from your heart and tell the truth, without even the slightest bit of concern about whether or not it will make you look “bad. " People respect honesty, even when the truth is uncomfortable. Let your honesty impress people, not your exaggeration. Lots of dishonesty results from attempts to impress our peers with elaborate tales that will one-up everyone else at the table. If you’re unable to contribute to the round of anecdotes about European travel, just listen quietly and wait until the subject changes, instead of making up a ruse about your study-abroad in Majorca.
Getting super-drunk every night might make you feel good for a couple hours, giving you pleasure, but the ice-pick in your brain the next morning at work will have you feeling embarrassed and guilty when you can’t make it into work. Take care of yourself, mentally and physically. Don’t do things you’re embarrassed to do.
If someone begins a sentence with “Don’t tell so-and-so about this, okay?” be prepared to offer your own disclaimer: “If it’s something that I’d want to know about were I them, then please don’t tell me. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s secrets but my own. "
Someone else needs to know if they’re missing something that will cause them physical or emotional harm, or if they’re doing something that’s affecting other people in the same way. Your roommate might need to know that their excessive drinking is making you uncomfortable in your own house, but not that you think a new date is “trashy. " You might want to say something in a fit of anger or high emotion that, upon reflection, you might be able to couch in a more friendly way. In the middle of an argument about a lackluster relationship, you may want to say, “You’re gaining weight and now I’m not attracted to you,” and this might be important for your spouse to hear in some ways, though not in others. However, “I think we could be healthier” puts the same sentiment in the language of something your spouse needs to know, in a much more polite way.
Use “I” statements when sharing uncomfortable truths. When you’re sharing your opinions and truths with others, try to keep your honesty tamed. Focus on talking about your feelings, and your opinions, to stay respectful of others. [11] X Expert Source Laura RicherLicensed Mental Health Counselor Expert Interview. 24 September 2021. Try to add the phrase “In my experience. . . " or “Personally, I’ve observed that. . . " at the beginning, or end it with “. . . but that’s just my observation/experience, that might not be how things are everywhere”. Learn to listen quietly while others are speaking, even if you disagree with what they’re saying, or feel the need to dissent. When you take a turn to speak, they’ll offer you the same courtesy, making the exchange both more honest and more comfortable.
Identify your strengths. What are you good at? What do you do better than most people you know? What do you contribute to daily life? What are proud of? In what ways are you better than you once were? Identify your weaknesses. What embarrasses you about yourself? What could you do better? Have you gotten worse at something specific, over the years?
Maybe you always hoped to have published that debut novel by the time you turned 30, a goal that’s no closer now than it was 5 years ago. Maybe you know you need to get in shape, but find it easier to keep up the same old routine. Maybe your relationship is stale and you’re unhappy in it, but can’t bring yourself to make any considerable changes. As much as you can, try to eliminate excuses from your mind. It doesn’t matter why this particularly uncomfortable truth about you is so, because you can’t go back into the past to change it. You can, however, change your behavior now and start making yourself happier.
What was necessary for your strengths to become strengths? What did you do that you’re especially proud of? In what way could that truth inform your desire to improve some of your weaknesses? What threatens your ability to improve yourself? Are these threats external, like a lack of funds necessary to buy a gym membership and lose a few pounds, or internal, like a lack of desire to research DIY weight-loss options?
Make it easy on yourself to be successful in accomplishing your improvements. Set up a risk-and-reward exchange when you accomplish a daunting task, like buying yourself that new guitar after ending your ugly relationship, or treating yourself to a vacation after losing a couple pounds. Accomplish your tasks with digital aid: you can sign up with Skinny-Text to receive exercise reminders on your phone, or even consider using Pact, which will charge you a specific amount of money if you choose not to exercise.
Emphasize the positive. Shift the focus away from what, in all honesty, you think is negative. Instead of saying “No, I don’t think you look good in those pants” say “They’re not as flattering as the black dress—that dress really looks amazing on you. Have you tried it on with those stockings you wore to my cousin’s wedding last year?” Keep some opinions to yourself. It might be true that you’re not crazy about the cowboy-themed restaurant and bar that your best friend wants to visit on her only night in town, but it’s not necessarily “honest” to share that opinion. What you want is to serve the greater good of the evening–you’ve only got one night together!–to keep fun moving forward. Instead of saying, “I don’t like this place. Let’s go somewhere else,” say “Although it’s not my favorite place, I want to do what you want to do. Let’s make it awesome. " Deflect the question. If your child wants to know if Santa Claus is real, tell them you’re not sure, and engage them. Ask them what seems to be true for them: “What do you think? What do kids say at school?” You don’t have to decide between a flat-out lie and the total truth. The real world is more complicated than that.
Choose the high road. In a disagreement, more opinions don’t make the issue easier to untangle, necessarily. You don’t have to tell a white lie to get an argument to end, nor do you need to continue dropping truth-bombs. Stay out of petty disagreements entirely, rather than reigniting the flame.
