The first step to being real begins when you actively decide to be genuine. This has to be a conscious decision. You will also have to commit to acting in accordance with who you are even though sometimes this will be challenging and you will feel vulnerable. Realness may require you to do things that will be unpopular with other people. You may also have to acknowledge aspects of yourself that are less favorable, but this is important because acknowledging what you value or do not value about yourself leads you to live an open, honest, and more real life. Being real has benefits for your mental health. Research has shown that authentic people feel better about themselves and are more likely to show resilience in the face of personal challenges and less likely to engage in self-destructive coping mechanisms like alcohol abuse or other risky behavior. Authentic people also tend to demonstrate more purpose in their choices and are more goal-directed and committed to seeing things through to success. [3] X Trustworthy Source Nature Respected Multidisciplinary Scientific Journal Go to source
The benefit of self-awareness is that once you know your values, you can then determine your actions in order to ensure that these two things align. This is how you really become real. For instance, if you decide you believe in God, then perhaps going to church every Sunday is a way of affirming this belief and means something important to you. However, if you decide you don’t believe or are unsure, maybe you stop formally attending church for a while as you figure things out. [5] X Research source Realize that self-awareness is a constant pursuit, not something that you can really master and then not think about again. One way to practice increasing self-awareness is to frequently evaluate what you’re feeling. You can set 5-10 random timers to go off throughout the day, to remind you to check-in with yourself. [6] X Expert Source Amy WongLeadership & Transformational Coach Expert Interview. 30 April 2020. Try to put your feelings into specific words. Are you simply sad, or are you feeling vulnerable? Are you happy, or are you feeling emotionally fulfilled?[7] X Expert Source Amy WongLeadership & Transformational Coach Expert Interview. 30 April 2020.
Consider writing in a journal. A journal helps makes you more aware and also provides you with a direct means to look back on and reflect on the past. It can also help you track patterns or trends in your life. If you have troubling journaling and find yourself “writing around” the big issues, you can also consider writing with a series of prompts, such as “Things I love” or “Who am I right now”. Set a timer for 10 minutes and write about that topic for the duration of the timer. This exercise helps you focus in on what you’re trying to discover about yourself. [8] X Research source You can also try an exercise where you fill out the rest of this sentence and either share it with a friend or keep it to yourself: “If you really knew me you’d know this: ___________. " This exercise invites introspection and helps people boil down who they are to those most essential values and components.
These questions can also be more direct. Try not to think too much but just to follow your intuition. For example, are you patient or impatient? An introvert or an extrovert? Do you take responsibility for your mistakes? Are you someone who says ‘yes’ or ’no’? Do you prefer mornings or nights? Try reexamining some of your ‘core beliefs’ that you’ve had since childhood. Immersing yourself in other cultures, philosophies and religious thought can help you make a unique, informed decision about what is authentic for you. [9] X Research source
Every day set aside a few minutes to sit quietly and listen to your inner voice. Try taking deep breathes and tapping into your mind and its thoughts. Alternatively, you could also stand in front of a mirror and “confront” yourself by talking out loud. Say everything that you think out loud.
Though there is no shortage of personality tests online and through social media, the best-known test is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), which identifies four psychological scales: Extroversion-Introversion, Sensing-Intuition, Thinking-Feeling, and Judging-Perceiving. The test suggests that each person has a preference for one of the two sides of each scale. It’s important to note that personality tests, while interesting and useful to some extent, cannot fundamentally tell you who you are. Keep in mind that some have low statistical validity and reliability. Moreover, your identity is made up of much more than just four factors on a personality test, after all. However, such tests may give you some food for thought as you ponder and reflect on the results.
The feeling of butterflies in your stomach might signal nervousness or anxiety. A heated feeling in your face might indicate embarrassment or anger. Clenching your teeth or jaw might be a sign that you’re upset, frustrated, or angry.
Sometimes it can seem in our modern world that to want to be alone is weird and unsettling. But some alone time can have several benefits; it can help you build your confidence, realize that you don’t need the validation of others, learn to value your own opinions (as opposed to those of others) as well as invite opportunities to reflect on recent changes and “rearrange your mental furniture” to adjust to your changing life. Alone time can also help you home in on what exactly it is you want from life and give you that sense of purpose and direction so many of us crave.
Maybe, for instance, when you were 13 years old, you wanted to be married and have children by 26 years old so you could be a young mom. However, if you’re now 30 and neither married nor a parent, you may need to reevaluate that goal and belief. Maybe you decided that your education and career are your top priorities, or maybe you just didn’t find the right partner. Or maybe your beliefs changed and you no longer believe in the institution of marriage. Reflecting on your life and your interior self (those thoughts and feelings from within) can help you redefine what it is you believe and your identity at different stages in your life. Note that it’s hard to be real at any age if you don’t know what your fundamental desires, wants, needs, and values are! You have to be willing to realize that things change and, most importantly, that YOU change over time.
Being open can mean different things. Read a book or take a class on a subject you don’t know much about or even a subject you think you already have mastered. This can help you answer questions you have about the world around you and develop your own set of beliefs. For example, a lot of university students undergo a transformation in their self-identity as they learn and are exposed to new things and are separated from their parents really for the first time. Learning is one way to open your eyes and discover what resonates with you. Maybe you have questions about religion, so you decide to take a university class on the different religions. Maybe you want to know about your position as a woman in the world and so you take an introductory class on women’s studies. [14] X Research source Remember that maintaining a sense of curiosity about the world is one way in which to keep yourself excited and energized about life.
For example, maybe as a child you were taught not to support gay marriage, but now you feel conflicted because you’ve changed your perceptions as you matured. That’s okay. Change is good. Change can be transformative. Let go of your past self and embrace your new self. Embrace who you are in the moment and what feels right to you NOW. It’s scary, but that how you become your most real self.
Remember that you are always deserving of love and acceptance. You are who you are and if people can’t love you for that, then perhaps they’re not the right fit for your life. To truly overcome your fears, try digging deeper into what might be fueling them. That way you can address the true problem. For instance, if you think you’re afraid of success, maybe what you’re really afraid of is trying and failing, or of not seeming as smart as people think you are. [16] X Expert Source Amy WongLeadership & Transformational Coach Expert Interview. 30 April 2020. Avoid shaming yourself. Becoming more self-aware means also realizing that you are an imperfect human and that you have flaws. But no one is perfect. Perhaps you are a control freak or bossy. Instead of shaming yourself, accept those imperfections and try to find ways to cope with and alleviate them. Also consider how those flaws can be thought of as positives in some situations; your control freak nature, for example, means that you are never late with assignments or meetings. Moreover, because you have flaws, this makes you better able to empathize when other people make errors. All of the different parts of yourself - flaws and all - make you who you are. [17] X Research source
Pretending to be someone or something your not just to fit in with others only promotes that sense of fakery that you’re trying to fight against. Moreover, it’s important to note that most people find they end up with more and closer friends when they are themselves and that they achieve more success when they stick to the things they like to do. You find truer satisfaction in your social circle and career when you fit those things to who you are not the other way around. Peer pressure can be a very real and dangerous phenomenon. Remember there are many harmful things that people have done to themselves and to others (from smoking to bullying to genocide) simply because they cared so much about the opinions of others and felt that their reputations would be harmed if they didn’t. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Remember that at the end of the day, only you have to live with yourself all the time. Listen to and follow your inner spirit.
For example, if you have friends who make fun of you for wearing black all the time and for not dressing like a ‘proper girl’, this is not healthy for you. Your friends should make you feel positive about yourself and help make you your best self, not tear you down for not conforming.
At the same time, you should also say ‘yes’ sometimes when other people invite you to try something new or unexpected. This also takes courage because we’re all afraid of disappointing or failing other people. For example, maybe your friends invite you to try Ethiopian food or kayaking one weekend - go for it! Being real also means trying out new things and learning about yourself in different ways, even if you may fall or fail along the way. That’s what makes us human. [19] X Research source
It’s exhausting to constantly pretend to be someone you’re not for the benefit of others. Be real with people and they’ll probably accept and embrace you to an even greater extent because they can see that you’re just like them - a normal human being who makes mistakes sometimes but also does great things and has lots to offer. For example, maybe you have a tendency to be late, but you always insist on finishing a job before you leave the office. [20] X Research source
For example, if you are a committed vegetarian, you can communicate your beliefs about it without having to call your meat-eating conversation partners “vicious murderers. " Instead, let them know why YOU are a vegetarian, without condemning their own choice to eat meat. Being real means being true to yourself, but this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t respect other people’s own version of realness. Always, always think before you speak. This is a good rule for life in general, but is especially useful in touchy or difficult situations.
When you’re feeling anxious, call your designated person and let her know how you’re feeling. For example, you might confess that you’ve actually been prepping what you think your boss wants to hear and not what you actually want to or should say. Just telling someone else that you’ve been going the wrong way can help you stay conscious of your behavior and readjust as needed to stay on the path of realness and honesty. In most cases, supportive people will tell you to “be yourself” in difficult situations. They’re right. Listen to that advice.
Whatever it is that you choose to do, make sure it helps you bring you back to yourself. Finding that focus will remind you who you are and what’s important to you.
Differences between people - whether they be sexual, spiritual, professional, physical, and so on - should not frighten us. Instead, accept honor the differences and realness of others and they will do the same for you.
